Tuesday, December 05, 2006


How do you know when to trust again? How do you go on after your trust is broken?

Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith - hold on and pray it goes better this time.

Sometimes you just have to say goodbye and try to focus on the positive things you remember and remember why and never again.

I've been having a hard time commiting after being burned the last time. Now, I can look back and accept responsibility for why it ultimately failed and the real source of pain is something I could have prevented 100%. I guess looking at it - maybe I am the one that broke the trust? Well - it was a two way street.

All of this has come about now that they want another shot. Do I move forward? Do I just say goodbye and continue living a life without it?

I just don't know. I can still remember the tears and stress and fear. Vividly. Like it was yesterday - not almost 2 months ago to the day.

Yes, it has been 2 months since my computer dumped my profile. When someone goes through something so traumatic time can almost stand still. I remember the panic when I turned it on and unfamiliar screens popped up. When My Pictures was barren. When the pictures of my BAAAAAAABIES were missing. My itunes was pilfered. My life as I knew it was just dumped. Away.

I also remember the weeks following where each time I turned off or restarted my computer I knew I was saying goodbye - again - to all that I had rebuilt during those brief hours to only return to a computer that no longer remembered me. It was if my computer had suffered severe short term memory loss.

Then, slowly, I noticed little changes. Sometimes it would remember the websites I had been to. Other times I no longer had to reload MSN messenger. Then as if it never happened - each time I turned the computer off, it remembered me when I turned it back on.

For the last week I have held my breath each time, daring it to forget me again. Do I dare take the time to reload my favorites? Do I dare take my email off the safe comfy server and send it to Outlook chancing that I'll never see them again?

This time I'll be smarter. I bought 500 million recordable CDs and will back up those pictures and music and documents. I will periodically back up my hard drive so when this disfunctional relationship fails again - I'm not left empty handed.

Sometimes you just have to take a chance.

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