Julia is starting Kindergarten this week and I'm so happy for her. Not in the WHOO HOO a kid is out of the house kind of way, but I'm eager for her to begin this next step in her journey. I'm not sad that she's growing up. I love watching her get older. Will there be tears? Of COURSE! I am a cry baby. I will wait until she's securely in her class and I'm in the car before the waterworks will begin. I don't want her to feel that her growing up causes me any sadness. I want her to be as happy and secure in growing up as I am for her.
I'm happy for Anna and Emma to grow old as well. I want them to grow, experience and live. I want them to be kids and I want them to grow up to be happy children, teens and adults.
I am trying to reconcile letting them grow up with a burning desire to remember (almost consume) every moment of their childhood. Every hug, every cuddle, every smell - even every tantrum. I want to be able to close my eyes and relive these times, not just remember. I want to be able to experience this again - at will. How do you move on when you want to hold on so desperately, but not from fear, from love. I don't want to hold them back, but I also know just how amazing every moment I am experiencing is right now. It breaks my heart to know I will never have these times back. The memories are all we are left with and they, sadly, do not compare. I am one who tries to enjoy the very moment. I am driven to look ahead and certainly look behind, but I try to live in the moment. There is something beautiful about the present, even in it's seemingly boring times.
I guess all we're really left with are the blurry images of the past and then it's time to accumulate new ones from fresh experience. What we really have is this very moment and the potential of the next.
1 comment:
You put it so beautifully...another step on the journey.
I cannot wait to hear about her first day.
HUGS!
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