Julia update

Thanks so much for the comments, e-mails and calls about both Julia and my cryptic request. It means a lot to me!


Julia did indeed stay home from school yesterday, she was still having trouble talking and and eating. She was sore and achy so we let her stay home. She actually laid in my bed alternating between sleeping and watching tv.


To answer a few questions, she fell off her bike Sunday evening. The photo was taken about an hour after the injury before the swelling was done, and before any bruising began. Yesterday she looked much worse, but with the swelling in her lip down today - she looked and felt much better this morning. We have now moved on to drama involving her appearance at the school music recital - band aid or chin or no band aid on chin, will people be able to see her lip and nose from the front row. I told her everyone will be watching their own kids and with the lighting and distance no one will be able to see anything but the pretty little girl she is.


Now, I will be stepping up on the proverbial soap box for a moment. Dan showed me her helmet last night, and let me implore you parents to make wearing a helmet a habit for your kids and for you. There was about 3/4 of an inch deep area of foam scraped off of the front of her helmet and the plastic was seriously dented, the tape that connects the two peices was actually rubbed completely off in the front. That would have been my babies head if she wasn't wearing her helmet, and wearing it correctly. This post would be altogether different, and would probably involve words like concussion, stitches, plastic surgeons.

So PLEASE make your kids wear a helmet every time and wear it correctly.


Here is a website with a list of states with bicycle helmet laws.


Here is a graphic on wearing a helmet correctly


Wear the helmet flat atop your head, not tilted back at an angle!Make sure the helmet fits snugly and does not obstruct your field of vision. Make sure the chin strap fits securely and that the buckle stays fastened.

Here is me stepping off the soap box. (end scene)

Why we don't eat our young...

Anna and Julia fight with much greater frequency than they get along. Julia takes advantage of Anna's easy going nature, and then Anna responds by menacingly lashing out and asserting her independence. This leads to Julia, with her sensitive nature, having a meltdown and Anna dancing about laughing at the wreckage and then going merrily on her way.

I cherish those little moments when their bond as sisters creates a momentary truce and something beautiful happens. I love it. It gives me hope that someday down the line, they will truly be friends.

Tonight, Anna was so sweet. We chose not to let Emma or Anna see Julia in her bloody state, since both girls empathize with Couvade like intensity. So, although we explained that Julia had "owies" we didn't get into details. Later Julia and Anna were fighting over answering the phone and Anna kicked Julia - right in the face. It sounds difficult to do, but Julia was laying on my bed and Anna was sitting next to her. Julia freaked, as she should since I knew it was painful. Anna was non-plussed by this reaction and continued to assault her sister. I brough Anna into my office and talked to her in detail about Julia's injuries. I showed her the pictures so that I could point out exactly where she was hurt (without having Julia being involved) and to make clear that she give Julia a wide berth.

So, Anna comes back into my office no less than 2 minutes later. She is carrying a peice of my printer paper, one of my pens and a drawing she made of Julia. She demanded I "do writing" on the top. Then she said she would sign her own name. (I had no idea she knew how, and was impressed she was so close!).

Then after showing Julia she brought it to me to "do more writing". Anna then dictates a 5 minute addition telling Julia how much she loves her, that she's her favorite big sister ("you wrote BIG right?"), how she is hurt but she will be better, that she won't hit her in the face until she's better, and that her family and sisters and friends love her because she is so nice SOME of time. She went on and on. Then she demanded I read it for her approval. With fresh content, she presented it again to Julia. Then they laid on the bed and watched TV until bedtime.

I know. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

My two front teeth

So, it looks like Julia is finally going to lose a tooth - her front two teeth actually. This would be cause for celebration since she has watched one by one as her friends have lost one, two, three, four and even five teeth, but lets just say she's going about losing them the hard way.

See where this might be going???

She and Dan were out, he runs and she rides her bike. When they got back, I was in the kitchen making dinner (chicken kabobs in case you wondered), I hear Julia crying (which is a very commonplace occurance) and I said, "Oh boy, now what" (I know, great parenting at work again), I hear Dan say, "Well, this time she has a reason to cry." I turn and look, and Julia is covered in blood. The entire bottom half of her face is bloody and it's all over her hands and it's actually dripping from her chin. Her lip is already swollen. I quickly looked away and told Dan he needed to give a mother warning before she sees this kind of thing.

Apparently Julia was going down a big hill and lost control. She flipped over the handlbars and landed on her face. Dan said it was a terrible thing to see, he was amazed she didn't break anything.

I give her some ibuprofen quickly, and get her upstairs. I help her get her clothes off, and do a quick inventory of bloody spots. She gets in a lukewarm bath and just sits there. This is the same girl that we had to physically restrain because of lightly filing a wart that didn't even hurt. She freaks out a bit every time she sees the blood drip from her face. I explain that faces are often pretty bloody, mouths especially.

So, the rinsing process begins. We change out the bloody water for fresh water and let her soak for a while. At this point I got up to get her a wash cloth. I felt like I had to vomit, then walked in the bedroom, I knew it was coming and passed out on the bed. Nice. I know how to handle bloody injuries huh? I was surprised I had held together so well in front of her.

I called for Dan to come up and he took over for a moment while I composed myself. Then I got the washcloth and we began cleaning up her face. As you can see in the picture, once the blood was gone, the damage was minimal (well, in comparison to what it could have been). Her bottom lip has road rash, her top lip is split, her teeth on top are loose and her gums are bruised. Her nose and directly underneath also have road rash.

After she soaks a bit to relax and let some of the dirt soak, I took her in the bedroom and began patching her up. In our emergency kit, we actually had a Road Rash kit that came in handy. Used some pain relieving antiseptic wash and surgical sponge to clean out the wounds. She was awesome. AWESOME. I know it had to have been really uncomfortable, if not outright painful, and she was great. She was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt when it happened so the damage to her arms and legs was minimal and those were clean. I can't imagine what it would have looked like if she had shorts and a shirt on, judging my her hands, it would have been a dirty, nasty mess to clean up. Her hands were scraped raw on her palms AND she had road rash on the tops and in between her fingers. I have no idea how that happens. I put some antibiotic ointment on the big spots, covered with some ginormous bandaids, covered her hands with the non-stick gauze and used the awesome stretchy burn gauze to wrap her hands. Bandaid on the chin, and ice cream and popsicles for dinner to help the swelling on her lip.

Two hours later stuff has started to bruise, and I think she's going to really look beat up tomorrow. Depending on how she is feeling I might keep her home at least for the morning, I know the day after can sometimes be worse than the day of. She's been excited about going back to school (she had Spring Break last week), but now isn't thrilled about the idea.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn't seem like a huge crisis, but there is something about seeing your little girl just covered in blood that hits hard. I told her I was so glad she had her helmet on and she started crying and said, "So am I mommy, It could have been so bad if I didn't"

I told her she'll have a great story to tell about what she did on her Spring Break!

Thinking of you.

There are some big, not so promising things happening in the Dough families life right now, and I'd appreciate it if you could keep us in your thoughts over the next couple of weeks (NO, I'm not pregnant mom!) that would be wonderful.

I hate to be cryptic, but I can't share right now.

THANKS!

I had an email checking on Anna's potty training progress. Strange how it happened, but I think she's potty trained.

Before we knew it we went from at least one accident a day to a couple of days without one. Now, she's even dry when she wakes up. She's been coming inside when she's playing outside to go, she gets up from the tv to go. She even peed in the potty in the back of the car the other day! I'm so proud of her. She rocks.

Speaking of things from my childrens' bowels... Em was whining on the car ride to our storage unit. The whole time. Incessantly. Annoyingly. I'm in some pain due to a trapezius muscle strain and infringed nerve... I'll live thank you very much, so my patience is nil. I told her to stop whining. I told her to stop whining. I told her we'd get her shoes when we got there (OCD child can't handle only having one shoe on) because I can't do my acrobatic driving because of my neck (you know, where you contort your body to reach behind your chair to get something).

We get to the storage unit and I see it. Poop. Everywhere. She had a poop explosion. It's down her legs, all over her car seat, just everywhere.

I'm a terrible mother.

So, I grab my spare wipes (Thank goodness I was prepared!) and used almost the entire package cleaning her and the seat. Unfortunately though, I don't have any diapers or pull ups with me. Then I remember that Anna had a pull up on because we were going to be in the car and I didn't want her to pee in her seat (Which I might add, she did not, because she told when she needed to go and then went!!!). So, I make Anna give Emma her pull up (Disgusting, I know, don't judge people. The one thing I know after parenting three kids is that one explosive poop is usually followed by another.) and Anna had to ummmm... go free.

After getting some things out of the storage unit for the yard sale tomorrow I found it. A plastic storage box with baby wash, shampoo and one little pull up. Sure enough when we pull in the parking lot at our house, I turn around and explosive poop number 2 had arrived. This time I didn't have any wipes left, so I ran inside for supplies. The Britax cover is in the washing machine - depooping.

I love poop.

Read all about it!

My friend has started an amazing business with some of her friends and I wanted to share it. She is super creative and crafty and is always making something new for someone. I'm thrilled for her to turn her talents into a business.

I love her diaper cakes and towel cakes and highly recommend them for baby showers, bridal showers, birthdays, bachelorette parties (she has done some hilarious ones for the bride-to-be at the request of her friends!) whatever you can think of. I've seen her work (and even recieved one when I was expecting Em!!) and she puts a ton of effort into them.

The other items they have on their site are adorable! I love the bows, and the burp cloths/diaper changing pads are precious!

You have to check out the healing touch bracelets they also have listed on their site, beautiful!

So - enough product endorsement... I mean it though - it's worth checking out and bookmarking for when you need a great gift!

Happy Earth Day!

From my little Tree Hugger.

20,000 hits!

I hit 20,000 hits on this blog since inception. I know it's not much by "blogging" standards since I know people who get 1000 a day and the big bloggers get 20-50K a day.

For me, 20,000 is awesome. Soemone with a server from Minneapolis, a qwest customer who came over from one of my favorite sites, Notes from the Cookie Jar was the big 20,000.

Suz I think you were the last visitor in my 10K and mom you were my first over 20K!

Oh, and I ignore my own visits to my blog, otherwise I would have over 100K! My mom accounts for at least half of the visits, but she counts!

Thy name is wart

Julia has been battling a wart on her hand for three months. As I mentioned in a previous post, the treatment has been traumatic. Not painful, but it could be, so much hysteria ensues. The other night after another epic knock down drag out battle to treat it, I gave up. I decided that for all of our sanity and perhaps the continuation of our mother/daughter relationship that I should let the doctor take care of it. Let her bear the guilt of the crazy kid.

So today she sat there very nicely with a terrified look on her face while the dr used a scalpel to clear away the dead skin. No hysteria. No screaming, No biting, No kicking. Why didn't I do this weeks ago!! She treated both gigantic wart and baby wart.

Let's hope they die.

The nurse told Julia she should ask them (the warts) very nicely to go away. She also mentioned something about rubbing a shiny penny on them and then throwing it over her right shoulder. This is good medicine folks. I love them for trying to make her smile.

Update on the Potty Olympics...

Anna has now been in underwear for 10 days!! We're not turning back to diapers now. We haven't had an accident free day (she's still in Pull ups at night) yet, but she's only having 1 or 2 a day. It seems she suffers the same little kid-itis as other 3 year olds. She gets busy, forgets she doesn't have a pull up and then has to make a mad dash for the bathroom. I'm OK with this. I know that it takes time, and I'm ok with actual accidents - the purposeful accidents I'm not as OK with.

So. Anna's doing great! YEAH ANNA!

So today was unbelievable. It was gorgeous. Our favorite neighbors and Anna and Emma's best friends are moving out tomorrow. Today I watched their little ones while my friend cleaned to get ready to leave. We're all sad. We're so happy for them, they were able to buy a beautiful house, but of course, we'll miss the convenience of living next door.

Back to my topic. We were outside from 10am until 7pm. We ate lunch and dinner outside. It was gorgeous. At one point there were 8 kids running around from ages 1 to 10. It was good times. It reminded me though that although this weather is currently fleeting - it's coming soon.

It's coming, It's coming, It's coming!!

It's almost time to hit the beach. In the town we live we have several amazing public beaches.

Going to the beach alone with three busy kids requires a system and the appropriate equipment. So, here are some of the things that made beach going easier last summer - and some things I have found that I want to try for this year.

The first thing on my beach list is my $10 Summer Pass. I can use this to access all of the beaches (it covers parking too) and most are within 5 miles of where we live.

I could not go to the beach with the kids sans hubby without this beach cart. I was lucky and bought mine for $25 at the Christmas Tree Shops last year. It is a LIFESAVER. I can put our towels, my chair, the blanket, the beach toys, my wallet, a small cooler and more and then still have a hand free to hold one of the kids. I don't know if we could camp out at the beach without it. I might add it's also pretty handy for carting kids sporting equipment around on game day, especially if you are the coach and have to take the kids, a cooler, a bunch of balls, pop up goals, etc...

I also tricked out my beach cart with these stroller accesories from the girls stroller. A handy place to keep my drink and the hooks can hold an extra lightweight bag.

Another great use of this beach cart is if someone is injured, sore, whiny unable to walk without a body part falling off - you can substitute a small child for a bag on the bottom.

This is my choice of a sand toy bag. Sand is not nearly as much of an issue as it used to be. I just shake it our really well and a lot less sand comes home with us.

Although we don't use one, we have considered some sort of a sun shelter. I'm not a huge fan since I don't think we'd use it enough, we're kind of active beach people, not a lot of sitting around. When we are done being in the sun, we go home, but if we were heading to the beach for long periods of time, then I'd definitely consider this.

Ah, the kids. I'm not normally a water shoe person, but we like to walk the beach and explore, and sometimes that means we end up wandering tidal pools with rocks. So, we do beach shoes. I like these and these and of course these.

I'm a bit of an SPF addict. It's ridiculous how much sunblock we go through. I have found it easier since we moved to sunsuits. Anna and Emma models styles like this that provide non-stop SPF 50.

These hats are amazing to keep the sun off the face and neck.

Julia sports a style more like this with this. She likes it because it really does protect her from the dreaded boogie board rash. Speaking of boogie boards. Julia loves this one and is going to try a skimboard this year. Wish us luck. She's watched other people doing this at the beach, and has been dying to try it. It is pretty cool.

I use a pretty basic hardside little cooler to keep our water (lots of water!) and snacks in, but how cute are these? This one is pretty handy and cute too.

A good beach blanket with a waterproof bottom. Hang out a little closer to waters edge without getting all wet.

Did I mention sunblock? I'm an addict. I need to step away from the sunblock. I love this stuff, it has always kept my kids from getting even a little red. I think I might be talked into giving a spray version a try. Everyone recommends the Blue Lizard, it's Australian sunblock, so I think this is going to be the first sunblock out of the gate for us this year. I also always buy a sunblock stick too, it's so much easier to put on little faces and ears. For me on my body, I usually just use whatever I'm using for the kids, but on my face I have to be super careful. I have super sensitive skin on my face and most sunblock actually burns my face. I use Neutrogena Healthy Defense SPF 45 on my face and hands, of course I'm still a Bare Minerals addict and that also has a natural SPF in the foundation and I use those for everyday running around town. But for the beach, I'm at a loss, some friends recommended Kiss My Face & Neck and I'm going to give it a try.

Another sunblock place are my lips, on the beach it's Burts Bees Lifeguard all the way. I know it can leave a little white trace, but it's worth it. I keep all of this sunblock (so really just a BIG bottle of sunblock, my face stuff, lip stuff and sunblock stick) in a small cosmetics bag so it's in one place and I don't have to deal with leaky bottles if that happens.

Now, I keep the beach cart, boogie/skim boards, bag of sand toys, life jackets in the van all the time. I bring the cooler and the other beach bag with wet suits, wet towels, sunblock, etc back inside so I can get everything washed before the next time.

I'm sad to announce that my faithful beach bag of six years died last summer. The handle broke beyond repair and the liner was shredding on everything making a huge mess. So, I'm on the prowl for another bag. I like a big bag since I might have to carry up to 5 beach towels in it plus cover ups for the girls to change into. I like it to be super waterproof, so I don't have a wet van, and ideally, I love a little pocket or two on the inside to keep hairbands and other small things safe so I'm not digging in the bag. This LL Bean tote in XL with a ZIpper is close, but I'll keep looking before I buy it.

I also always bring a grocery bag or two for beach finds that I don't want making a mess all over, but I'm careful to not let them fly away! If you have any favorite beach items, tips or must haves, please share!

By George...

I think Anna might have caught on to this potty training thing. After first going on the potty at 18 months old, and being nearly trained until Em was born, we have signs that she's on board with us.

She has been in underwear for 5 days (today is 6) and I think she has had about 5 accidents. I don't think one a day is all that bad. Especially after this morning... when her pull up was dry. I said, "Wow, I'm so impressed you stayed dry all night. That's really hard to do when you are sleeping. Great job." and she replies, "Well, we don't pee in our pants." I guess not. I'll still leave her in pull ups at night for a while, but it is nice to know that she might be potty trained by her 4th birthday next month!

Fingers crossed.

So long to go...

Not to get into too many details, but I've been doing a lot of goal setting recently. A lot of thinking forward. I was writing up sort of a reward chart for meeting my goals, and adding some positive comments for myself along the way.

I was surprised looking back when I finished the list that everything was "YOU". As in, "You are really doing it!" It's easier for me to say these things to someone else. In my head I was imagining what I would say to a friend. I wasn't talking to me.

Why aren't I that friend?

Why is it so hard to naturally write, "I am really doing it" instead?

I'm going to work on that.

Daddy hoves me.

No, this is not another chi*ld a*buse post. It's not shoves. This is Emma speak for Daddy Loves me.

Today when she was sitting in my office, I had the windows open, and she heard a manual transmission car and said, "Daddy home?" I explained that no, it was somebody elses car and Daddy was at work.

She sits in the recliner and says, "Daddy hoves me" I told her that he certainly did and she was a lucky little duck. She says, "Daddy hoves me". So now I'm wondering if I misunderstood her and she was trying to clarify. So I said, "Daddy loves you?" Her reply, and emphatic, "YESH" (I love love love love love how she says Yes. It's adorable). She sat there repeating "Daddy hoves me" over and over for at least 5 minutes. I finally called Dan and let him hear her. It made his day.

Later at naptime we were snuggling and getting ready to nurse and she looks lovingly at my bo*ob and says, "Nee nee hoves me" I said, yes, but Mommy makes nee nee and Mommy loves you. She said, "NO, no mommy. Nee nee hoves me."

Whatever.

They are coming to take me away...

Let me start this out with the disclaimer that I KNOW the topic I'm going to discuss is a very serious one. I understand why teachers are bound by law to report, and I am not making light of it. I'm making light of my daughter selling me out.

This evening Julia came to me to show me how ginormous this wart she has on her hand has gotten. We've been treating with every OTC med known to man, but it's just not going away.

Her doctor recommended filing it down a bit before the treatments to make sure the medication can penetrate the actual wart. Not ever having warts, I'm new to this long term treatment thing (3 months so far) and let me just say, so far, warts are getting close to lice in terms of the most annoying childhood issue.

Tonight, it was twice it's normal size. So before we did her treatment, I attempted to remove some of the top layer. Let's just say, Julia freaked the hell out. She has been like this since she was a child. Each Dr. Mommy event is turned into a hysterical, dramatic, traumatic episode that leaves us both exhausted. Seriously, pulling a little splinter from her hand can take 45 minutes of screaming, kicking and tears. OH THE TEARS! We're not even talking about the tiny little splinter that you can leave in or have to dig around to get out (which is something I would not attempt with Julia, because I would end up with two black eyes), I'm talking about a rather large, superficial chunk of wood that is protruding from the skin. The kind that is a little painful, but a 1 second removal makes it all better. Nuh uh. Not with Julia. I would rather eat glass than remove a splinter or the worst.... band aid a tiny scrape.

SO back to tonight. I know she was tired and that didn't help, but literally, the girls was climbing up her father to get away. I held her arms while Dan tried a little, and he held her in a restraint position while I tried a little. Keep in mind, Julia was telling us in between shrieks of terror that it didn't hurt, but it MIGHT. So, we were sure we were not causing her pain, she was scared of the potential of pain.

After 30 minutes of this torture, we got about 1/2 the top of the wart off, put the medicine on, got it bandaided up, declined the begging for ibuprofen (she said it didn't hurt, but what if it did during the night???) and had her cuddled in bed. I was rubbing lotion on the girls arms when I noticed three little marks in straight lines on her arm. I realized that it was probably from us holding her. She also had the same mark on her wrist where I held her hand so she couldn't jerk it away (which she was doing with the force of a pissy stallion).

I asked her if anything had happened to her arm and she said yeah, she thought she got it from playing outside. I said I thought it looked like from when I was holding her arm. By this point, it was already fading, so then I was certain that's what it was. She said "OH, so it's from when you grabbed me?" WHAT????????

I told her that at no time did I grab her, that it was from when I was holding her arms to keep her from yanking them away. She then says, "I don't know what it's from!"

So, to clarify, I said, "OK, say tomorrow that Mrs. W asks you what happened to your arm (which I might add, no longer had any visible marks) your answer is?"

"I fell from a tree?"

"NO, try again."

"I bumped my arm?"

"No, try again. Tell her what happened."

"My mom grabbed me."

"oh geez."

"Oh, Julia. Why did your mom grab you?" I said, continuing the pretend dialogue.

"I don't know, she was yanking me to her."

"oh geez" At this point Dan is laughing.

"Heather, most kids have to be coached in making something up to cover suspicious injuries, our kid needs to be coached in telling the truth."

"Ok, let's try this again Julia., 'what happened to your arm'

"my mom grabbed me."

"why?"

"I don't know!"

We are doing some mighty fine parenting up in here.

Here is an actual conversation Julia had with her Dad tonight.

"Hey Dad, guess where I went today?"

"Uh, I don't know, where?"

"To see horses"

"ohh, that's nice honey" Dan said, kind of dismissing her story as a joke.

"It was so much fun. The first horse we bet on won, and the rest were clunkers."

Now, THAT turned his head around and she had his full attention.

"What? You went where?"

"I went with Miss Sarah to see the horses."

Now he's walking into the kitchen to look at my reaction to judge if she's telling the truth. I nodded.

Dan's response, "So, instead of going to school today, you went to the racetrack and bet on horses?"

My response, "Well, when you put it that way, it sounds bad."

Let's just say he wasn't smiling.


Ok... so the whole story... Julia did not go to school for the 2nd day in a row because her tonsils are swollen and sore and her glands are ginormous (and yes, that's my medical opinion). I almost sent her today, but she had a rough night, so I let her stay home and rest. OK, no big deal.

She did rest for most of the day, and was still feeling OK but had the big tonsils and glands. I called her doctor and she said to give it the weekend and let her rest and if she was still swollen, or if turns red or if the white splotchy splotchies show up... call Monday to come in.

Then about 4pm Julia's friend came to the door with his mom. She invited Julia to see the horses since it was a special horse day or something or another. Without thinking, I said sure! And off my child went. It wasn't until she was gone that I remembered that she had stayed home from school and I was breaking my own stay home from school rule.

Ok, it's not such a big deal. They were there for 15 minutes to see the horses. Then she came back home and went up to bed for a while.

I love a good story.

Mtv Raps...

Today was an amazing day in Maine. The weather was gorgeous. The first really warm day of the year. The girls and I spent the afternoon outside enjoying everyminute of 60 degree weather.

Anna kept running off into the grass and I had to go inside to check on Em who was napping. I asked her to stay on the patio.

She comes to the door, squishes her face against the screen door and says, "Hey mom, whats a patty?"

I had to think about it for a minute and realized what she was getting at, "No, it's a pati-OH".

She went off and a couple of minutes later, pressed her face against the screen again and asked again what it was called.

"PAT-E-OH"

"Oh. Pati YO"

"Close but it's Pat-E-OH"

She starts giggling hysterically. "Like Pat-E-Yo-DOG" and does this rapper stance.

Yes. Like that.

whoo hooo!

I just received word that the check has been cashed and my license might be arriving soon!!

I'm so excited and proud of myself! Now if I can just get through binding authority I'll be set!

Passing it on...

I swear I don't know where she gets this!

"Emma you are the sine (shine) in my eye. Love Julia, big big sis

"anna I love you and so I can live with you until I'm 27 or forty. Big sister Julia"

and written below that is:

"Poppa, I want you to come as soon as summer starts. Julia PS Love you"

Ok Mom, don't get too jealous, she wrote to you too...

"Memaw you are the grandmoter of my deams. Julia"

Now... Once again mom, don't get to excited about that... see the bottom of the next box side... "Mom, I love you so much that I don't want to leave you. Julia"

"Callaway, Cat of my drems. Ps I love you. Julia"
Last but not least: "Troper. I know your dead but we still love you. Your frend. Julia & Anna & Emma. PS Mommy & Daddy PS We love you"

The cute part is, she said to me, "Don't mind the spelling, I was too busy to be careful"

Too bad Apple Juice boxes don't come with spell check.

Hey Mom

I love you.

I miss you.

Keep on chugging along...

Along the lines of this self indulgence, this writing, this small part of it that I'm sharing here, I have been stuck in my head.

I've had this happen many times in my life, where I have a series of revelations, epiphanies if you will, where I see things so differently. Then, I get lost.

How do you translate these new found thoughts, understandings, beliefs into your every day life. The place where every one knows you as the person you were. The person you were two days ago. The person you are no longer.

It seems difficult to believe that you can feel so different with no real series of events to lead you. When something tragic or surprising happens in ones life, people expect some form of change. What happens if it just occurs organically?

I think that's where I have found myself. I think of all that has happened in the last 4 years and I'm a completely different person. I have different friends, I left the desert for the ocean, I have 2 more kids, I rent a townhouse, I have one pet. Those things are tangible though. They are evident. The inner turmoil and progression has been mind numbingly slow and scarily swift at the same time.

What runs through my head today is "I am not worried - I am not overly concerned, with the status of my emotions. Oh, she says, were changing. But were always changing" from one of my favorite Counting Crows song.

I know lately I'm going on this self indulgent writing spree. All gloomy gus and introspection. I think it's awesome. For the first time in years I have an interest in writing. I think that this is the best sign of mental progress for me.

I'm writing again.

That feels so good to say.

Parent/Teacher

Last night was Julia's parent/teacher conference. It was wonderful to hear such nice things about my little girl. Her teacher told us we were so lucky to have such a special little girl. Her student teacher said she was such a good student and how she's a great kid.

We played at the park for an hour after the conference and then Dan and I took her out for dinner in celebration. I love days like that!

June 23

It looks like Julia will be in school until at least June 23. WOW. That just seems so late to me. The next week is the 4th of JULY!!!

WOW.

Memories...

This weekend was a big weekend for me. I've been slowly letting go of my "baby" days and trying to take a step into the next stage of life. I'm done having babies, it's time to raise the babies.

We have been selling off the vestiges of that life on craigslist. One piece at a time. We've donated many items and have saved some to make a buck. Each time I give one away, it stings a little. Then I do a little dance at the extra space in my storage closet. It's almost all gone.

This weekend though, was clothing purge time. This was hard for me. The true meaning of bittersweet. It was really hard. I could vividly remember each daughter in various pieces of clothing. I could still smell that baby smell, and those memories that have been slowly slipping away came rushing back. Holding tiny dresses, little onesies and cozy sleepers, I felt like I had my babies back for a brief moment.

I was incredibly contemplative during this time. Do I want another baby? The answer was an overwhelming yes. But not for the right reasons. I feel done with my girls. I love them and their dynamic and watching them grow. For me, it's what I want. I feel done. Yet this tiny little piece of me holds on to the baby fantasy. You know, like those moments when they are fresh from their bath and smell just like heaven. You KNOW that's what heaven smells like. The moments where they are asleep and are so cozy their hair clings to their face. The way it feels to just hold or sleep with a sleeping baby. The looking at every part of their body and feeling the true meaning of miraculous.

I want that. I want it again, and I want it for the rest of my life. I want to immediately go and have my little one sleeping in my arms. I want to freeze that time. Even though I love watching them grow and see the little girls they are turning into, part of me longs for that baby. At some point, the reality of what having a baby is really like crashes in on me. It wasn't all rosy and perfect, but it's easy to cling to those memories.

I really think I'm done. I like have older girls and I look forward to the road ahead. As I was putting these clothes in the bags to leave my house, I realized something I wasn't cognizant of before. I was angry. I felt cheated.

I know. I was given a gift, and I love that gift. But I never was able to put into words how I felt, about Emma. It dawned on me I felt cheated. She was supposed to be my last baby. She was supposed to be the rosy perfection. Instead, I had a baby in pain who made a year of my life disappear. I realized in that moment that I had gotten what I unconsciously wished for. for it to be over. I wanted the time to fly so that she would get older, and in turn, better. She would stop being in pain, get a grip and our life would be easier again. The screaming and my depression robbed me of being able to enjoy my last little one the way I wanted to. I just wanted that time to fly. It did.

I was trying to share this with Dan. He sat patiently listening to the babble that sounds remarkably like the babble here (but with even more 0f a whiny sound, and probably much, much longer). I finally said, "Dan, I feel like I didn't get to enjoy my baby. I should have done it better, I should have enjoyed her more. She's my last baby and I wished it away."

His reply, "well, she wasn't really a baby per se, more like an angry little dwarf"

Nice.

Emma says NOGGIN!

Yes it's true... Spring is coming. Come on 60s!!


Thanks to Megan for the reminder!

It's Friday

I sit here in my office. There is silence in the living room which means that my children have either bitten each others heads off like the gerbils of my childhood, or they are actually playing together. Quietly. (Ok, I hear some discussion so I guess their heads are intact)

It's a gray day, which I don't mind so much now that they are few and far between. I can still see the piles of white snow in the forest behind the house, but dotted with the brown remnants of last years fertility. The trees are covered in clingy, fuzzy moss and I haven't found evidence of the new buds for that renewal of life, but I have faith they are waiting to burst out, and very soon.

It seems all too soon it happens, but the sun sets a little earlier, and the air becomes brisk and the first leaf begins to turn. To me it's a sign to really embrace the time that's left and prepare for what lies ahead. I love Autumn and the scents and feel of that time. Mixed in that excitement of ghosts and goblins and pumpkins and gourds is the anticipation of that first fall of snow.

This transition between Winter and Spring (also called Mud Season) is something I have dearly missed over the last 10 years. I may have had days of beautiful weather in a row, for nearly months at a time, because sometimes in Arizona you are lucky enough to have those perfect days. I find though that there is something invigorating and inherantly necessary to my being to live through the seasons at full strength. The brisk days of Winter with an early start to clear your car of snow and ice, makes me truly appreciate these first small signs of Spring. There is something to be said for the awakening, the energy that really does come with the last traces of snow and the first green of life. It's not called "Spring Fever" for nothing.

I'm happy to be in a place in my life where I can understand and appreciate the joy that lies in the struggles of life. Sometimes it is so hard. The snow just piles up and it seems endless. For me though, in the coldest part of Winter, when you emerge from your warm home and plunge into the cold, there is something that happens. After a snowfall everything is covered in white, and it's as if the flaws around you are camoflauged and for just a moment it's beautiful. I have always been mesmerized by how quiet the world seems right after a significant snow. It's as if the snow dampens the noise around me and you can understand the meaning of silence. It can be hard to find those moments soemtimes, other times it's seemingly impossible.

It's the survival of these things that makes me strong. The jubilation of survival that gives me appreciation for the less struggling times. Sometimes Winter seems too long and Spring just too far, but that glimmer of hope, that promise of budding leaves that carries us through. Victorously we are able to really soak up that warm sun when it comes.