Ok - I'm only going to apologize for this once... to those of you who know and love me in real life (especially you dear mom, dad, and my lovely in-laws), or those of you with delicate constitutions - if you don't want to hear about the intricate workings of my body - and "see" me using non-lady like verbiage - this might not be the best post for you to read... ok - you've been warned....
It's hard to fall asleep at night knowing the next morning that you will be having a relative stranger stick his hand IN your (let me think of a fun word to use here... in my real life I use grown up medical terms here - but for entertainment sake - perhaps I should throw in some pretty vernacular like 'clyde', 'hoo ha', 'cootch', 'cooter', 'toots or tootsie' (thanks Kirdy) - I could get vulgar - but I hate those other words....) HOO HA. Yes indeed... it's time for my first cervical check.
Apparently a bout of contractions, followed by chunky discharge, followed by spotting and a back ache could be an indication that stuff is moving around inside the HOO HA. So - like a good girl (and a day later) I called the doctor to let them know that these things were happening, so I'm being sent in for the big dipstick finger test.
I like to pretend that having this be the third time I've made it to 31 weeks that I have a small idea of what my body is doing... but we all know that's just not true. That said I don't think I'm having any cervical change - but in lieu of sticking my own hand up there to check - I'm going to defer to the professional.
There is something sort of bizarre about this process -
* check in
* sit and wait in a room with other women and assorted men
* get called back
* get weighed in
* go back to a little room absent of natural light
* sit down and share your fun story of cramping, bodily fluids in great detail with the nurse
* get your blood pressure taken
* be told to strip from the waist down
* get naked
* put the little paper napkin (think dentist napkin but 10 times larger) over your now exposed HOO HA
* wait in the cold room listen for the knock knock/open "are you ready"
* go through the entire story of cramping, bodily fluids again with the doctor AND the nurse (only the doctor if you have a female OB)
* get yelled at for waiting to call
* get asked to lay down and assume the position - this involves scootching your HOO HA to the end of the table and either placing your feet in some sexy stirrups - or you do the bended leg - relax thing
* be told that this might be cold
* have said OB stick his hand INTO said HOO HA
* talk about what he's feeling - talk about the pressure
* then it's over - Mr. OB does a quick wipe of the area to remove the 1/2 bottle of lube he just shoved up your HOO HA
* Mr. OB goes and takes off his glove - washes up
* Nurse helps you sit up so said lube shoots out the HOO HA
* They leave you alone to clean the damn mess up and get dressed
* Then Mr. OB comes back in to chat - as if he didn't just have his hand up your HOO HA
So --- if you need me - that's where I'll be. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm sure you'll be waiting with bated breath till I return!