Tuesday, January 24, 2006

To know me is to love me...

Ok - I'm only going to apologize for this once... to those of you who know and love me in real life (especially you dear mom, dad, and my lovely in-laws), or those of you with delicate constitutions - if you don't want to hear about the intricate workings of my body - and "see" me using non-lady like verbiage - this might not be the best post for you to read... ok - you've been warned....

It's hard to fall asleep at night knowing the next morning that you will be having a relative stranger stick his hand IN your (let me think of a fun word to use here... in my real life I use grown up medical terms here - but for entertainment sake - perhaps I should throw in some pretty vernacular like 'clyde', 'hoo ha', 'cootch', 'cooter', 'toots or tootsie' (thanks Kirdy) - I could get vulgar - but I hate those other words....) HOO HA. Yes indeed... it's time for my first cervical check.

Apparently a bout of contractions, followed by chunky discharge, followed by spotting and a back ache could be an indication that stuff is moving around inside the HOO HA. So - like a good girl (and a day later) I called the doctor to let them know that these things were happening, so I'm being sent in for the big dipstick finger test.

I like to pretend that having this be the third time I've made it to 31 weeks that I have a small idea of what my body is doing... but we all know that's just not true. That said I don't think I'm having any cervical change - but in lieu of sticking my own hand up there to check - I'm going to defer to the professional.

There is something sort of bizarre about this process -

* check in
* sit and wait in a room with other women and assorted men
* get called back
* get weighed in
* go back to a little room absent of natural light
* sit down and share your fun story of cramping, bodily fluids in great detail with the nurse
* get your blood pressure taken
* be told to strip from the waist down
* get naked
* put the little paper napkin (think dentist napkin but 10 times larger) over your now exposed HOO HA
* wait in the cold room listen for the knock knock/open "are you ready"
* go through the entire story of cramping, bodily fluids again with the doctor AND the nurse (only the doctor if you have a female OB)
* get yelled at for waiting to call
* get asked to lay down and assume the position - this involves scootching your HOO HA to the end of the table and either placing your feet in some sexy stirrups - or you do the bended leg - relax thing
* be told that this might be cold
* have said OB stick his hand INTO said HOO HA
* talk about what he's feeling - talk about the pressure
* then it's over - Mr. OB does a quick wipe of the area to remove the 1/2 bottle of lube he just shoved up your HOO HA
* Mr. OB goes and takes off his glove - washes up
* Nurse helps you sit up so said lube shoots out the HOO HA
* They leave you alone to clean the damn mess up and get dressed
* Then Mr. OB comes back in to chat - as if he didn't just have his hand up your HOO HA

So --- if you need me - that's where I'll be. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm sure you'll be waiting with bated breath till I return!


Becky said...

I suppose it would be normal to feel relieved that it's not me having fun in the stirrups, but I'm more concerned than anything. I hope the word at the doc's is good and that you're not facing weekly hooha checks yet.

Kirdy said...

Dude. Toots does NOT refer to the coochie. It refers to LMD, the Weapon of Mass Destruction. Ew. You compared my daughter to a cooter? You have issues. Seek help.